Show Me The Way To Go Home...!

Hey Everybody!

Back home again for the weekend and living the dream! My folks' shower kicks butt out of the one back at the flat, plus I'm able to have a bath again (although right now this is also able to be accomplished at the flat, as the shower plughole is blocked AGAIN, so now you can stand in the shower, close your eyes and imagine you're standing in the shallows of a tropical lake with a waterfall *lol*)!

Mainly been slouching about in a pair of trackies and a T-shirt I made for French when I was in my 2nd or 3rd year of secondary school (on the front it's supposed to say "Wise words of an actress in training..." and on the back "...practise now and you'll make the play!" in French, but what I've actually got I think is slightly off the mark: "Les mots sages d'une actrice en bouton...vous pratiquent maintenant fera la piéce de théatre". I don't know. You tell me.), and feeling like a proper little student...Mum, bless her, has done all my washing for me and been providing me with plates piled high with food, including, tonight, a fabulous roast dinner. She was really happy tonight because, as she put it, her "two babies were both home again" (me and one of my older brothers, Paul). I love her to pieces! I'm going home in the morning - back to Birmingham and time to knuckle down once again!

Went out for a drink with Dave last night to catch up on all the gossip since I've been away - poor guy's going through a nightmare at the moment re: his ex and their little girl (who is, by the way, an absolute cutie), so I was glad to be able to administer sympathy and outrage in liberal measures. He seemed in a bit of an odd mood for most of the night - not manically happy, but certainly "buoyant", I think is the word I'm looking for. I just hope it lasts...he's been put through so much he hasn't deserved, and as an old friend I only want the best for him. He and I first met when I was onstage in pantomime a few years ago and he was one of the technicians for it, and the friendship has flourished from there. We're fairly close - when one of us is down or having problems we'll call the other for a pep talk and a pick-me-up - and when I'm home from uni we'll go out to see a film or go bowling at a multiplex a few miles out of town (we're a couple of big kids when it comes to playing on the toy-grabber machines in the archade!). Last night was just a drink and a chat, because he had to finish doing the rig for a show, but hopefully we'll be meeting up again sometime in March!

Got a bit of a cold/'fluey type-thing that's doing the rounds at uni at the moment, so I'm hoping it won't put me out of action completely...can't be dealing with another hospitalisation due to chest infection! Fingers crossed...

I'm off to have my second bath of the day (yippee!) - more when I'm back in Birmingham!

*hugs to all*

xXx

(Posted @ 00.19 GMT Mon 30/01/06)

A Tentative Reunion...

Well, I've survived my 20th birthday and am now once again looking at the prospect of all the uni work before me...oh goody...*lol*

Actually I'm not too stressed about it. Well I AM, but I'm fairly confident I can get it all done this term without needing any extensions. I have an annotated bibilography to do for PTPC ("Performance Theory, Practise and Critique" for the uninitiated) which involves reading about 10-15 books before 17th February in order to write a final 3,000 word essay for April. That's the main thing at the moment, and it's going to take up so much time! Don't know how I'm going to manage all my mentoring work, too...I'll keep you posted!

Jay and I have had a somewhat tentative reunion. We spoke over skype a couple of times (both voice and instant messaging) and he finally managed to persuade me to unblock and re-add him to msn. I don't think I've quite forgiven him for the comments he made, but at the moment I'm managing to forget them for 99% of the time. He's had a few more outbursts of jealousy since then, although I've encouraged him to talk about them; at times he's seemed quite reluctant to do this, but I'm hopeful that we'll make progress. As far as I'm concerned we already have, in a way - I told him to tell me what was on his mind re: my going out to celebrate my birthday on Monday night, and he told me he didn't want to as it would only make him angry. To my mind, his being able to do this - as opposed to just going ahead and getting hopping mad - is a great leap forwards. There's no 2 ways about it, his jealousy - at times exasperating, at others annoying, sometimes endearing, most of the time unfounded and uncalled for - does wind me up. He seems to think that the only reason I ever go out is to - in his words - "manhunt". Whether or not he believes me, I'm faithful to my heart, and my heart only loves one man...

So, a tentative reunion; taking each day as it comes, one step at a time; hoping that somehow love will see us through...

xXx

Mood: "Cautiously Content"

(Posted @ 11.51pm GMT)

P.S. Tragic about Whaley earlier this week - time to do all we can for the rest of the whale population! xXx

Eyes Like Sandpapered Marbles; Tablets For Pain Relief

(Posted @ 4.58pm GMT)

If someone had said to me 24 hours ago, "This time tomorrow you will have lost the man you love", I wouldn't have believed it.

But I have.

It really does feel like the bottom's dropped out of my world. The foundations of everything I've built over the last few months have been shattered. My mind's a whirl, I have hardly any idea of what I'm writing here...there's nobody I can turn to. The one man I could have gone to and spoken to about it is the very man I love and have lost.

Jay.

I went out for dinner last night with my housemates for next year: Gez, Kirsty and James. I'd promised Jay I'd be online, and the dinner was a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I texted him while we were eating to let him know where I was and that I'd be online later. When I got back...all Hell broke loose.

He kept going on and on about the guys I'd been out to dinner with...had I had "fun" with them...that I wasn't serious about loving him...that I'd only been stringing him along, playing games...he said more, but I don't want to dwell on it more than I already am.

It may not sound like much, but some of the things he said...I felt physically sick. I had to press my hand against my mouth to stop myself from screaming. I could feel my blood drumming in my ears, the air seemed hot and thick, tears were pouring down my face and all I could think was, "Why? Oh Darling, why are you saying these things to me?" I'd never even imagined he could think such things, let alone say them out loud, as it were. Useless to offer explanations; useless to try and justify myself for things I haven't done; useless to try and defend myself any longer. I blocked and deleted him from msn, hid my face in my hands and wept like a child.

Oh dear God, how my heart and body rise up in revolt at even thinking of it! My heart clamours for him, wants to hear his voice, see his face...but I can't. He logged in as Ellen, tried to get me to talk, but I couldn't, couldn't say anything after what he'd said...it's taking all my effort to swallow my tears back now, and last night will stay imprinted on my memory for a long time to come. He went over to Mike's and Ellen talked to me for a little while, but nothing can make it better. I can't remember what happened after I finished speaking to Ellen. On my other laptop are the half-finished remains of an essay, so that's what I was doing. But I can't remember any specific points about it. I know I didn't sleep last night, despite Ellen's advice; I know I sat on my bed and looked at the clock and it said 9.30am...

I have never felt so much like giving up completely. One of my friends on msn called me "Sammy" a little while ago and I nearly screamed - nearly screamed, "Don't call me that! Jay calls me that - only Jay can call me that!" And the tears have started because I know he'll never call me "Sammie" again.

You're probably wondering, "Well why the hell not? Why doesn't she just go and talk to him, get it sorted like they always do?" Because I can't take his jealousy any longer. I can't bear to go out for an evening and face the backlash when I get home. I love him so much, and I will do for a long time to come - he'll get over me before I get over him - but his anger, his vindictiveness and his jealousy will always be there between us. I have told him, time and time and time again, I love him and only him, I don't want any other guys, I don't want to be with another guy, how can I be when my heart belongs to him - to Jay? I told him, "Please try and control your temper...please try and stifle your jealousy...please at least try and believe in me...please stop this continuous onslaught, or it'll destroy everything..."

And so it has.

I just want to give up. This is Craig, all over again. I only just survived that - how can I survive this? How can I close the door upon the rest of the world and carry on the terrible struggle alone? Every dream I've ever had seems so far away I don't know how I'll ever find my way back again. University, acting, marriage, motherhood... everything. I know how this will happen. Every day I'll leave the flat and act like everything's okay, like I'm having the time of my life at uni and like there's nothing else I wish for or anywhere else I'd rather be. How do I know this will happen? Because I've done it before. Call it pride, dignity, what you will. And then - at night - when I'm alone - when it's that horrific time for memories to crowd back in - I'll have to face the battle alone. The deluge will rain down on me, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to stop it. Then in the morning, I'll rise and go out into the world again, only to dread the coming home again at night...after Craig, the time passed in one long black void. Looking back, I can't remember what life was like. I existed and that was all. Now I'm facing it again.

*cries* Oh God, it's supposed to be my birthday this weekend...I'm supposed to be celebrating 20 years of my life...how can I celebrate it when all I want to do is cancel it out?

This Is Where The "Eternal Optimism" Bit Comes In...

I'm getting there! After my last desperate entry - on the verge of total failure despite all efforts - I'm now on the right road again, only this time I actually have a destination...!

Having turned myself into a hysterical wreck in the early hours of Monday morning, Jay came to my rescue. With the voice of calm reason and loving words, he talked me through two of my half-completed assignments, meaning that come 5.30am, I had two completed assignments before me. I fell in love with him even more, this wonderful, tormented man who made me feel the power of his presence with 3,000 miles of ocean between us. Words cannot describe the emotion that surged through me when he called on skype and uttered the immortal words, "Hello Sweetie, it's okay. I'm here. What's up?" For 4 and a half hours he talked to me, calming me, guiding me, reasoning with me...loving me. Come 6.30am my time, I had had no sleep at all, but through the exhaustion and the pain of eyes that have cried too much, I experienced the most wonderful sense of calm. We talked through my options regarding the rest of my work, and then he went to bed, urging me to do the same, and assuring me of his love.

(This is where I want to turn around and point out to those who would disparage him, or are disbelieving of his love: look at what he's done for me. You don't see the Jay I do. Nobody but he and I truly know of the sweet, loving, funny Jay who gazes at me from across a gulf of water and makes everything all right, who plays with me, who pulls stupid faces at the camera, who tells me I look beautiful at 4 in the morning and tries to take pictures of me...the Jay who laughs, the Jay whose face lights up when he smiles, the Jay who plays with his pet rats and makes my heart melt when I see how much love he has for 2 such small creatures. I want to point and say, "You see? This is Him. This is the Jay I've fallen in love with.")

I'd already emailed my tutor at 11.45pm Sunday night, asking for an extension for two of my essays, but come Monday morning and there was no reply. Walked up to uni with Teresa, who proved to be another voice of reason in the midst of my troubles - "It doesn't matter, if one plan doesn't work, then we'll keep looking and trying until we find one that does." I rocked up to my tutor's office in the uni - not there. Trundled off down to the Department Office, only to be told, "No, she's not in today." Instant panic. What the HELL do I do? By this point it's past midday - the essays are due in at 12.30. In sheer desperation I send the same email I sent to my Tutor to my Head of Department. By this point it's 12.17 and Teresa and I are anxiously staring at the computer screen, willing the Inbox to flash. Teresa can't bear the tension and goes to buy sustenance from the Mason Lounge. I type a message to Jay, updating him on the situation so far. No sooner do I hit "Send" when my Inbox flashes. Message from my Head of Department: all-go on the essay extensions, not a problem at all, can I come and see her in her office the next day? And the time of her email...? 12.26. Four minutes to go before the deadline...I'm telling you, you can't plan timing like that. Cue joyously frantic email to Jay, reporting the good news...Teresa appears, flushed from her exertions with queues at the counter and encounters with friends not seen over Christmas - one look at my face tells her all she needs to know. I'm telling you, people, I floated out of that computer cluster.

So there we have it. I'm finally on the road to somewhere AND it looks like I'm actually going to get there, too. Eternal and ecstatic thanks go to Jay for being there at the most perilous moment in the crisis, and when I was actually in a lot of danger (in the literal sense) - forever in your debt. Also to Teresa - right by my side (well, almost) at the second most urgent moment in the situation - feelin' it, Homie!

At last...at last...

xXx

(Posted @ 3.06pm GMT)

Failing Uni!

I'm writing this out of an act of desperation. I've got 1 and a half essays, 2 journals and an assignment all due in for tomorrow and none of them are finished...

You might be asking yourself, "How the hell has she gotten into that situation?" You might also be asking, "Why the hell is she writing blogs instead of working?" And on both counts, you're right...

I've already failed Psychology (O the irony), which means that I've already lost my "fall back module" - the module which means, if you fail any other one, the credits from the "fall back" count instead. So now I've GOT to pass Dramatic Medium (Seminar AND Lectures); Theatre Practise; Performance: Practise, Theory and Critique; and Theatre Crafts, else I'm doomed.

This whole thing is killing me - I did NOT battle off depression and fight every inch through my last 2 years of school and college, into university, only to fail! Depression is NOT going to take away what's rightfully mine when I've fought so hard for it for the last 5 years!

I CAN DO THIS!

(Posted Sunday 8/01/2006 @ 11.09pm GMT)

How Could I Have Forgotten?

Hi Everyone, hoping you're enjoying the New Year...looking forward to my 20th birthday in 14 days!

Working over at Gez's earlier tonight on my old laptop (as opposed to the new one I have for uni, and which stays permanently connected to the internet in my room at my halls), when what did I come across but the first part of a script I was writing around the time I first started uni? I couldn't believe I'd forgotten about it! It was my "baby", and then Little Sister, When Angels Deserve To Die, first germinated and started bearing fruit in my brain...

So I now have 2 "babies" that I'm quite proud of, and am working on at the same time! Both look set to become full-lengthers, and both have endings planned in my mind already. The name of the one I found is Dust Over The Rain, about life in a nuclear compound 6 years after a nuclear bomb. Sounds depressing, and it is from time to time, but there are light-hearted moments, too - including a conversation between the "heroine", Sara, her best friend Matt, her uncle and her future husband about men's toilet etiquette! That one was taken from a real conversation I had with some guy friends of mine during rehearsals of my last play, Kenny and Annie...!

I'll keep you updated on my progress. Don't forget to leave me some comments - all feedback welcome!

Until next time.

xXx

(Posted Sunday 8/01/2006 @ 3.55am GMT)

Need To Establish Sleep Patterns...

Going home today! I was only supposed to come back up to uni for a couple of days (Monday to Wednesday) before uni proper starts on Monday 9th, but yesterday I really couldn't be bothered to move. Plus, what with the odd sleeping hours that even being in uni halls seems to bring on, I wasn't really in much of a fit state to move.

But today I am going home, mainly because the Parental Units have offered to buy me a load of food shopping and drive it (and me!) up to Birmingham tomorrow. Damn all this travelling! But hopefully I'm going out for dinner with Laura as well later tonight, so that's a bonus.

Still stalemate on the whole "Someone and his Someone Else" situation. He and I keep fighting AGAIN, and it's wearing me down...we do, however, do a lot of talking, and manage to have some really great conversations before the fights start. I'm really proud of him - he has what you might call an ungovernable temper, and he's now getting to the stage where he's walking away rather than stay, get even more angry and say something he'll later regret. For the first time the other day I saw him display "physical" anger, i.e. thumping his keyboard and throwing his phone across the room. It's the first time in the 4 years we've known each other that I've ever seen him do anything like that, although he has told me in the past he does that a lot when he gets angry. That's another thing we have in common - we share the same temper! He put the phone down on me the other day, and even though it hurt a bit at the time, I knew he only did it because he was mad and didn't want to take it out on me...so if you're reading this, I'm so proud of you, Darling!

I wish there was some way I could get him to see positive and stay positive. He thinks his life is just one big run of bad luck, and, despite my many tellings that if he just believes that something good will come along it will, it's just not happening. *sigh* I can see where he's coming from; Lord knows when I've been in the throes of some of my darkest hours I haven't been able to see a way out. But then again, when the clouds lift even slightly, I'm always scanning the horizon to see an escape, and I also have the added advantage of being a woman - we're eternal optimists.

But right now we're concentrating on talking about my visit in June - w00t! I really can't wait. We go over endless scenarios - the first time we'll meet, things we'll see, places we'll go, restaurants where we'll eat...I can't wait to go for walks on the beach, experience a whole new culture, experience a summer where you can actually wear shorts and strappy tops for more than one day without getting rained on...and, most and best of all, I can't wait to finally meet HIM. 4 years of friendship, we know each other inside out, and still we've never met face to face...that's got to be some kind of record!? It's going to be brilliant...=o)

Right, better go and pack to go home. See you later! xXx

(Posted 05/01/06 @ 2.03pm GMT)

Mistress Brightside...

This is another one that I've been writing but never getting around to posting. So here it is!

***

My love does not ask questions, only one: Do you love me, too?
My love is not jealous, but the heart holding it often is.
My love does not doubt, but the mind living above it often does.
My love is not frightened, but the inner child dwelling with it often is.
My love cries at night when you're not there, and laughs in the light when you're near.
My love delights in the sound of your laughter.
My love reaches out when you weep.
My love can conquer nations, swim oceans and fly the heavens, all in the name of You.

So do not try to fool it, for it sees through you.

Don't say its name in vain, for it will look to see who calls it; if you mean it not, it will shrug and relinquish you, not to return when you do mean it.

It's a double-edged sword: it will stay faithful to you, but it will renounce you - as the sword and the shield go together but have opposing intents, so do love and hatred.

So if you love me, say it...

if you say it, feel it...

if you feel it, mean it...

if you mean it...

then I am content.

(Posted 7/01/2006 @ 7.20am GMT)

Some Very Valid Points

Hello, back again!

I keep receiving an email, which, although sent by various different people, remains the same. It's one of those horrific chain-email things, which strike terror into the hearts of the superstitious and annoyance into everyone else. It does, however,contain some very valid points, which I'd like to illustrate right here.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

When you say, "I love you," mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Talk slowly but think quickly.

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.


Now, I've picked out the ones I liked best/thought had the greatest relevance, and for most of the above, they're certainly relevant for the past few months of my life.

"Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship." How many times would that have come true if Jay and I hadn't talked things out? We've fought so much, and now we're (I think) a lot stronger in our relations with each other. Some days he annoys the hell out of me, some days I annoy the hell out of him, and yet no matter how mad we get with each other - no matter how many times we log off msn/skype in rages - we always come back to each other. We always talk it through. And if we get mad again, we keep trying. We keep coming back.

"When you say 'I love you', mean it." I always stick to that doctrine - don't need an email to tell me about that one! - and it's wonderful to know that the people around me know I won't say "I love you" unless I really, truly do mean it. So if you know me and I tell you "I love you", be proud - because you're talking to a lady who means it, and you have a special place in her life.

"Never laugh at anyone's dream..." Hell, don't I know about dreams...! (Read my previous blog, "Acting and Motherhood")

"Talk slowly but think quickly." I find myself increasingly having to think ahead to what possible turns a conversation can take. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to find yourself bogged down in the complete load of crap you spewed out because you weren't watching what you were saying. As an actress, that's not a good thing. We call it improvising - everybody else calls it bulls**tting.

"Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk." I wholeheartedly agree with this one. Unfortunately, recent experience has left me temporarily (I hope) unable to take "great risks". I do, however, have a capacity for "great love" - once I love, I love wholeheartedly.


I would ask everybody to remember this, too. A few days before Christmas, one of my older brother's friends was murdered. He was father to 2 children, a boy and a girl, and a single dad at that. So if you've had a fight with someone, make it up. If you haven't told someone you love them and you do, do it as soon as possible. Simon's girlfriend let go of his hand for 2 seconds...2 seconds later he was dead.

So take all of the above advice on board...whether or not you use it is up to you. But it only takes 2 seconds to tell someone how you feel, 2 seconds for it all to be snatched away, and a lifetime to wonder, "What if?"

xXx

First Blog of 2006! - Acting and Motherhood

Greetings to those of you who have followed faithfully so far...if you're new to my blogs, go back and get reading so you can catch up! Happy New Year to you all!

Trying to adjust to the fact that it's nearly been a whole year since I was last onstage, and, if you know me well, you'll know that's a depressing state of affairs for me...my last performance was as Annie in "Kenny and Annie", written by Yours Truly - and my first award winner! =o)

Been going over the plays I've written, actually, so Jay can post them on my new website for me (thank you Honey! =o)). Quite a few once you count them all up:

Whole New Heaven (2002) (One-Act Comedy)

Fields of Gold (2002) (Short Radio Play)

Kenny and Annie (2002/2004-05) (Full Length and One-Act/Festival version)

Stage Kiss (2003) (Short Play)

Not Dead, Just Dreaming (2004) (Short Play)

Killing the Queen (2005) (Short Play)

Wild Horses (2005-) (Still in progress)

When Angels Deserve To Die (2005-) (Still in progress)


I really think that my future lies in scriptwriting and acting...I've already proved I can act, and my debut play (although I wrote various others before it) won me an award in a local drama festival. I'll always have one or the other to fall back upon, although right now it feels like Time is running out...

Various people I've spoken to have reacted with varying degrees of incredulity when I tell them that I feel Time is running out...I guess it must sound pretty strange from a girl not even 20 yet! But there's so many things I want to do, so many things I want to see. I want to travel the European capitals by the time I've finished university in 3 years. I want to go out to America, see some of that country and then try my hand at acting there. I want to see more of my scripts performed - that's in the pipeline at the moment, with 3 of my "ten-minuters" in consideration for staging next term at uni, with Yours Truly directing. I also want to be a wife and mother.

Some people tell me I'll never juggle motherhood and an acting career; others tell me to go for it. People think that I'd just pass my children off to an au pair and never really have a hand in bringing them up if I hit the big time. But I could never do that to my children. Motherhood has been my dream ever since childhood, as has acting; the two have grown up along with me, intertwined and always there. They're both a major part of my life. Which is why I feel Time is running out now - I need to realise all my acting dreams now, in order to provide the foundation for my children. I need to make it on to the ladder so it's all already there. When you look at theatrical families, like John and Hayley Mills, for example, you realise just how much dreams can come true and help each other along. But I would never, never sacrifice my children's happiness at the altar of my own. And that's what a lot of people don't seem to understand.

Whew - heavy thoughts to come into 2006 with! So many things to do to pave more miles on the road to my future!

That's all we have time for now, folks, but see you again soon...xXx