Going To Hell In A Handcart

I wrote this around Christmas but never got around to posting it...a lot of things have happened since then, but I'm going to post this anyway. (Posted 5/01/06 @ 1.36pm GMT)

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Hey, ever heard the one about the girl who was a mistress 3 times between her 16th and 17th birthdays? Well guess what - you're talking to her!!

I feel terrible at the moment. Actually, "terrible" doesn't quite cover it. "Evil", "poisonous", "disgrace to Womankind", etc probably sum it up better. You're probably thinking, "Whoa! Mistress? Aged 16? What a ho!" And guess what, you've probably got it about right...

My first "shot", if you like, was 28 and separated from his wife. My second was 30, also separated, in the RAF, with a 2-year-old son, who I loved to bits and still miss even today, nearly 4 years on (the son that is, not the dad). My third was a soldier who was engaged. So there we have it, children, judge on as you will and as is humanity's wont.

I don't claim to be an innocent in all of the above situations, defiled by Man's wicked desires...hell, I probably brought most of it on myself. After I got off (or for my American fans, "made out") with a friend's boyfriend (damn me to Hell forever. Just do it now and save a whole lot of aggro), I swore I would never do it again. I guess everybody's done that kind of thing once - I mean, hey, in my defence, we were still at school and hormones were raging. But I couldn't live with the guilt afterwards, so I knew - for my own peace of mind, if no-one else's - that I would never do anything like that again. O, the best laid plans o' mice and men...

So then I got into the whole mistress situation. That was the weirdest thing in the world when I was with Chris (the second guy) and realised that I was technically committing adultery. It was almost easier, because I didn't know his wife and knew they were separated. I met her once when Chris and I took their little boy out for the day - now THAT was seriously weird. So once I found myself single again, I vowed I would never, NEVER get myself into that kind of situation. And until now, I've succeeded. I was with my last boyfriend, Craig, for 19 months; we split in February '05, and, apart from a couple of no-go dates, I've been footloose and fancy-free.

But now I covet someone else's boyfriend. I love someone else's boyfriend. I've tried to fight it, God knows! But she knows, and so does he, and he says he loves both of us. Gez came out with a beautiful pearl of wisdom the other day: "If a man loves 2 women, he shouldn't be with either of them." It's the oddest set-up in the world, and definitely worthy of one of my plays. Actually, scratch that...I don't think even my imagination could come up with a situation like this. The more I think/write about it, the more I despise myself. As so beautifully put by someone who shall remain anonymous, "Why can't you get your own guy and leave off someone else's?" Why, indeed.

The thing that makes it a million times worse is the fact that even though "She" knows, She's still as gentle and noble as ever. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara to her Melanie Wilkes. The potential for inter-continental cat-fighting is incredible, and yet it's never come to pass. I'm trying to do everything I can not to hurt Her, trying to tread so carefully, and trying to come to terms with what's passed so I can make some sense of everything that's happening, to understand how She and I have both come to love the same man.

The oddest thing is that I don't have a sense of rivalry with Her. It's like She and I are standing, one on each shore, gazing across the ocean at each other, and there's no anger, no malice, no hatred in those gazes. Our eyes are clear and calm, and there's nothing, save maybe a little sadness, and the strange beauty of calm when two women love one man, and know it, and know each other, and can reach out hands in earnestness and say, "May the best woman win. May the best woman win his love."

So there we have it. Going to Hell in a handcart. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. Just get the hell down there and don't expect any stops at Little Chef on the way.

Don't Want To Rush, But Can't Hold Back/Time, What A Fickle Thing/That's Why When We Get Married We Wear A Circle On Our Finger And Not A Triangle

What IS it with falling in love? The more you do it, the more folly it leads you into...having loved once before, you'd think I would learn...

I guess I have learned. I've learnt caution in matters of the heart, I've learnt to always try and be on your guard, and the end result of all this is that I've also learnt to be afraid. It's not much fun, but I don't really have much of a choice. I loved Craig and he left me...maybe through my own fault, but now I'm petrified of giving my heart again. Which is what makes the present situation so hard.

Let me illustrate:

A+B are together
C is falling in love with A
B and C are friends...
but B knows that A has feelings for C

Following so far? I want to be with a certain Someone, but that Someone is with somebody else. I know he's torn between us. He's admitted it. What do I do? I can't get hurt again, and he's promised he won't hurt me. I keep asking him to sort things out, and I know we both hate me asking, but something's got to be done because it's not fair on any of us. Did I also mention he lives on the other side of the world? Yes folks, it's THAT complicated.

"How can she fall in love with somebody she's never met!?" I hear you cry. Well, that's the problem. I just don't know, but I am.

Laura, Rachel and I have been talking about Our Men and we're all in predicaments - Rachel and Stu have been having a few problems, Laura's in love with an old school friend of mine and can't get over him, despite the fact he's at university and got another girlfriend, and there's me and Someone. The general consensus is that we all want to go to sleep and wake up in 5 years, because it'll all be over, we'll know how it ends and we'll have slept through all the nasty bits.

Waiting for certain Someone to finish talking to his Somebody Else...keep you posted!

Jay and Home...

Had a hilarious conversation on msn messenger with Jay tonight about marriage via msn and skype (a nifty little tool which I advise you to check out at www.skype.com). Jay came up with a beauty:

"Do you take Jay to be your husband?"
(Lady Sam, Drama Queen is typing a message)
"Yes I do."
"Do you take Samantha to be your wife?"
(Jay is typing a message)
"Yes I do, but I got disconnected."
"I now pronounce you husband and....you cannot send a message because you are not signed in."

Laughed my head off...maybe it's one of those things where you had to be there!

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In other world news tonight, I'm back home with The Parents for the holidays and really can't get used to it:

1. They're running on Parental Time as opposed to Student Time, i.e. when I'd be getting ready to go out, they're just going to bed.

2. Their internet is dial-up, slow as and not available 24/7.

3. It's really quiet around here. I'm used to music, shouting, laughing, doors slamming, drunken singing/chanting at 3 in the morning etc.

4. The kitchen's TINY!!

Apart from that, it's all good. Dad got a bit emotional and told me he'd really missed me (bit odd coming from a guy who used to threaten to burn all my cuddly toys when I was 3 years old), and Mum's not well again...Paul's his usual distant self, although he's on nights this week, which may have something to do with it. Christmas should be interesting...stay tuned, folks!

For Jay...

I'LL STAND BY YOU

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad,
Don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
But I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads,
Don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along,
'Cause even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby,
You're feeling all alone ,
You won't be on your own,
I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you...

I'll stand by you.

Edinburgh - The Lighter Side

Ever seen a self-confessed lightweight try and knock back a dram of 45.8% Scottish whisky in one go? Yours Truly belongs to the privileged elite that have...

Having already encountered Talisker (a brand of whisky) with Jochen, Yours Truly took it upon herself to introduce Gez to the experience.

Now, as anyone who's not an "experienced" drinker will tell you, when someone introduces you to a new drink and has one themselves, you watch how they drink it before approaching your own, i.e. the 3 Taps and Down System for Shots, etc. So, when presented with a dram of Scottish whisky by Jochen, I watched as he took his own and sipped it. There you go - the clue's in the action.

So perhaps I could be forgiven for thinking that Gez was already familiar with this. Not so. I bought us a dram each and we happily clinked glasses...I kid you not, in the time it took me to raise my glass to my lips, he'd already attempted to knock his back, failed miserably, sprayed half of it back into his glass and was sprawled across the table gasping for air. (Photographic evidence is available to those with my mobile number and a camera phone) He then went on to bet that Yours Truly couldn't knock back a dram in one and not react...some of the easiest money I've ever made has been out of bets with Gez.

(The other notable occasion was when we went to go and see Romeo and Juliet at The Birmingham Rep. Having read the massive notices stuck up around the theatre saying that another actor in the cast would be taking the part of Mercutio due to injury, I bet Gez £5 that the guy playing one of the Friars would be playing Mercutio. Having shaken on it, I flipped to the corresponding page in the programme and took his money. Anyway.)

On one of the nights we decided to go on a City of the Dead ghost tour, which I'd already been on the last (and first) time I'd been to Edinburgh, in October 2004. The main purpose of this tour was to wind up in the Black Mausoleum in Greyfriars Kirkyard, and then lock you into a tomb with the Mackenzie Poltergeist. It's absolutely brilliant and scares the b'Jesus out of you, so I wanted to take Gez along. He'd wandered happily along with the rest of the tour party, listened to tales of Old Edinburgh and body snatchers, people buried alive, death, decay and the ultimate ownage of Greyfriars Bobby; but when it came to actually going into the Black Mausoleum, I felt a drag on my hand that hadn't been there before, and he sheepishly muttered to me and the tour guide, "I can't do this" before making a swift exit stage right and waiting outside the gates for us all to return. Next time...!!

Staying in the backpackers' hostel was brilliant. There were 14 of us in a dorm, with the majority being Aussies. Friends made included Jess, Tegan, Colin (American), Christie (Canadian), Dave (ditto), Abe (American), Nathan, Jordan, Haley and Louise. (I've now been offered enough free holidays to set me up for life.) I had conversations covering all topics, from the Carlsberg-beer-can-Christmas-tree ingeniously constructed by Alex to how much sex people have had in the last year. Just pretty normal stuff then, really...

I've played "Up and Down The River" with Dave and Christie, "Uno/Blackjack/Whatever It's Damn Well Called" with Nathan and Jordan, borrowed a genuine Australian hairdryer from Haley, had dinner and extremely intelligent convos with Colin, laughed with Abe about his drunken antics at his work's Christmas party ("So I kissed her when her boyfriend had left! Well, he'd turned around...that counts as left...doesn't it?"), told my life story to Tegan until 4 in the morning (poor girl), and what have I got out of all this? A whole heap of culture awareness and the decided opinion that backpackers' hostels packed (pardon the pun) with today's youth can do wonders for international relations. Seriously, it's fed my passion for travelling and now I want to do even more...with my aim being to do as many of the European capitals as I can while I'm at uni!

That's it for now, folks, tune in later for another exciting episode...! xXx

Back From Edinburgh...

Been back nearly 10 hours from Edinburgh and still trying to recover...

Okay, basic quick overview, then I'll go into a bit more detail later. Gez and Yours Truly arrived at 8.30pm last Tuesday after a five-hour journey, so it was a case of straight to bed. Then on Wednesday, Gez was ill with severe stomach cramps, so we went out for lunch then straight back to the hostel again for the rest of the day. Come Thursday he seemed better, so we went shopping, and I was lulled into a false sense of security.

Come Thursday night, Yours Truly is getting ready to go out and meet another friend in Edinburgh when all of a sudden this almighty scream rings out through the dorm. After urgent scanning of the room by 3 Aussies, 2 Americans and The Token Brit (being Yours Truly), we find out it's Gez. The poor guy is lying on his bunk literally writhing in pain and screaming...Jess and Nick (Aussie and American) flew downstairs to phone for an ambulance, while Yours Truly tried to help him relax (you'd be amazed at how useful breathing exercises to help with vocal projection can help in moments like this...). Jess appeared and said the paramedics wanted to know where the pain was in his stomach, then disappeared, and then Nick started telling us it was going to cost a fortune to get an ambulance, until Yours Truly pointed out that being British, we have the NHS. Jess appeared again and told us they WEREN'T sending an ambulance. No reason why, just a case of, "Do not pass Go, do not collect £200, basically you're screwed." Alex (2nd Aussie) catapults out into the street to fetch a taxi, while Yours Truly enlists the help of 2 more Aussies (Rob and Tom) and a chair to get Gez down the stairs and out. 2 minutes later Gez and Yours Truly are in a cab to the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, Gez cutting off the circulation in one hand while Yours Truly uses the other to phone Jochen (friend in Edinburgh) and explain what the hell's going on.

Gez gets seen in the hospital and seems a lot more comfortable, so they discharge him with a bottle of industrial-strength laxative and send us back home again. Yours Truly finishes getting ready (looks like she can go out after all) when, hey presto, Gez starts screaming again. So it's back in a taxi and back up the Infirmary. In the waiting room I'm being eyed up by the various middle-aged male inhabitants in between phoning Kirsty (Gez's girlfriend) with updates and freezing my butt off, the Scottish climate not being particularly friendly to young women in dressy, low-cut tops. In desperation I use the pay phone to call Jay in Maine, but he gets called away from the phone and I'm on my own again. Two hours later, Gez is once again discharged and Yours Truly gives up totally. (Cue chorus of "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life")

On Friday, Gez goes into agony again over breakfast, at which point Yours Truly starts looking around for a gun to put him out of his misery and a wall to run head first into to put her out of hers. We return to the hostel and Gez collapses into bed...I give up and join him in the Land of Nod. Come early evening, Jochen says he's free to meet up, so we finally get to have the long-awaited drink! Yours Truly has her first taste of Scottish whisky and loves it, leading to further adventures...more in the next episode, folks! (That could sooooo be misconstrued....*lol*)

Anyway, following endless ribbing from everyone at the hostel (including Yours Truly) and plenty of bed rest, Gez was a lot better on the Sunday, so we went to Edinburgh Zoo with Christie and Dave (Canadian boyfriend and girlfriend in the hostel), and the rest of the holiday (all 36 hours of it!) passed fairly uneventfully. Back at my university halls now, but just when I thought it was safe, I realised I'd left my rucksack - containing keys, camera, phone charger et. al. - on the train. (As Jay so aptly puts it, "Well s**t.") So yes, my rucksack and all its contents are going to be more well-travelled than me as a result. At present, their current whereabouts are believed to be somewhere in Scotland, having been to the south coast and back. Thinking of contacting Iceland and asking them to run a "Missing" campaign on their milk cartons.

Anyhoo, more on the lighter side of Edinburgh in the next episode, including Scottish whisky, ghost tours, the Zoo, why assumption IS the mother of all f**k-ups and what happens to international relations as a result of backpackers' hostels...