Eyes Like Sandpapered Marbles; Tablets For Pain Relief
(Posted @ 4.58pm GMT)
If someone had said to me 24 hours ago, "This time tomorrow you will have lost the man you love", I wouldn't have believed it.
But I have.
It really does feel like the bottom's dropped out of my world. The foundations of everything I've built over the last few months have been shattered. My mind's a whirl, I have hardly any idea of what I'm writing here...there's nobody I can turn to. The one man I could have gone to and spoken to about it is the very man I love and have lost.
Jay.
I went out for dinner last night with my housemates for next year: Gez, Kirsty and James. I'd promised Jay I'd be online, and the dinner was a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I texted him while we were eating to let him know where I was and that I'd be online later. When I got back...all Hell broke loose.
He kept going on and on about the guys I'd been out to dinner with...had I had "fun" with them...that I wasn't serious about loving him...that I'd only been stringing him along, playing games...he said more, but I don't want to dwell on it more than I already am.
It may not sound like much, but some of the things he said...I felt physically sick. I had to press my hand against my mouth to stop myself from screaming. I could feel my blood drumming in my ears, the air seemed hot and thick, tears were pouring down my face and all I could think was, "Why? Oh Darling, why are you saying these things to me?" I'd never even imagined he could think such things, let alone say them out loud, as it were. Useless to offer explanations; useless to try and justify myself for things I haven't done; useless to try and defend myself any longer. I blocked and deleted him from msn, hid my face in my hands and wept like a child.
Oh dear God, how my heart and body rise up in revolt at even thinking of it! My heart clamours for him, wants to hear his voice, see his face...but I can't. He logged in as Ellen, tried to get me to talk, but I couldn't, couldn't say anything after what he'd said...it's taking all my effort to swallow my tears back now, and last night will stay imprinted on my memory for a long time to come. He went over to Mike's and Ellen talked to me for a little while, but nothing can make it better. I can't remember what happened after I finished speaking to Ellen. On my other laptop are the half-finished remains of an essay, so that's what I was doing. But I can't remember any specific points about it. I know I didn't sleep last night, despite Ellen's advice; I know I sat on my bed and looked at the clock and it said 9.30am...
I have never felt so much like giving up completely. One of my friends on msn called me "Sammy" a little while ago and I nearly screamed - nearly screamed, "Don't call me that! Jay calls me that - only Jay can call me that!" And the tears have started because I know he'll never call me "Sammie" again.
You're probably wondering, "Well why the hell not? Why doesn't she just go and talk to him, get it sorted like they always do?" Because I can't take his jealousy any longer. I can't bear to go out for an evening and face the backlash when I get home. I love him so much, and I will do for a long time to come - he'll get over me before I get over him - but his anger, his vindictiveness and his jealousy will always be there between us. I have told him, time and time and time again, I love him and only him, I don't want any other guys, I don't want to be with another guy, how can I be when my heart belongs to him - to Jay? I told him, "Please try and control your temper...please try and stifle your jealousy...please at least try and believe in me...please stop this continuous onslaught, or it'll destroy everything..."
And so it has.
I just want to give up. This is Craig, all over again. I only just survived that - how can I survive this? How can I close the door upon the rest of the world and carry on the terrible struggle alone? Every dream I've ever had seems so far away I don't know how I'll ever find my way back again. University, acting, marriage, motherhood... everything. I know how this will happen. Every day I'll leave the flat and act like everything's okay, like I'm having the time of my life at uni and like there's nothing else I wish for or anywhere else I'd rather be. How do I know this will happen? Because I've done it before. Call it pride, dignity, what you will. And then - at night - when I'm alone - when it's that horrific time for memories to crowd back in - I'll have to face the battle alone. The deluge will rain down on me, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to stop it. Then in the morning, I'll rise and go out into the world again, only to dread the coming home again at night...after Craig, the time passed in one long black void. Looking back, I can't remember what life was like. I existed and that was all. Now I'm facing it again.
*cries* Oh God, it's supposed to be my birthday this weekend...I'm supposed to be celebrating 20 years of my life...how can I celebrate it when all I want to do is cancel it out?
If someone had said to me 24 hours ago, "This time tomorrow you will have lost the man you love", I wouldn't have believed it.
But I have.
It really does feel like the bottom's dropped out of my world. The foundations of everything I've built over the last few months have been shattered. My mind's a whirl, I have hardly any idea of what I'm writing here...there's nobody I can turn to. The one man I could have gone to and spoken to about it is the very man I love and have lost.
Jay.
I went out for dinner last night with my housemates for next year: Gez, Kirsty and James. I'd promised Jay I'd be online, and the dinner was a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I texted him while we were eating to let him know where I was and that I'd be online later. When I got back...all Hell broke loose.
He kept going on and on about the guys I'd been out to dinner with...had I had "fun" with them...that I wasn't serious about loving him...that I'd only been stringing him along, playing games...he said more, but I don't want to dwell on it more than I already am.
It may not sound like much, but some of the things he said...I felt physically sick. I had to press my hand against my mouth to stop myself from screaming. I could feel my blood drumming in my ears, the air seemed hot and thick, tears were pouring down my face and all I could think was, "Why? Oh Darling, why are you saying these things to me?" I'd never even imagined he could think such things, let alone say them out loud, as it were. Useless to offer explanations; useless to try and justify myself for things I haven't done; useless to try and defend myself any longer. I blocked and deleted him from msn, hid my face in my hands and wept like a child.
Oh dear God, how my heart and body rise up in revolt at even thinking of it! My heart clamours for him, wants to hear his voice, see his face...but I can't. He logged in as Ellen, tried to get me to talk, but I couldn't, couldn't say anything after what he'd said...it's taking all my effort to swallow my tears back now, and last night will stay imprinted on my memory for a long time to come. He went over to Mike's and Ellen talked to me for a little while, but nothing can make it better. I can't remember what happened after I finished speaking to Ellen. On my other laptop are the half-finished remains of an essay, so that's what I was doing. But I can't remember any specific points about it. I know I didn't sleep last night, despite Ellen's advice; I know I sat on my bed and looked at the clock and it said 9.30am...
I have never felt so much like giving up completely. One of my friends on msn called me "Sammy" a little while ago and I nearly screamed - nearly screamed, "Don't call me that! Jay calls me that - only Jay can call me that!" And the tears have started because I know he'll never call me "Sammie" again.
You're probably wondering, "Well why the hell not? Why doesn't she just go and talk to him, get it sorted like they always do?" Because I can't take his jealousy any longer. I can't bear to go out for an evening and face the backlash when I get home. I love him so much, and I will do for a long time to come - he'll get over me before I get over him - but his anger, his vindictiveness and his jealousy will always be there between us. I have told him, time and time and time again, I love him and only him, I don't want any other guys, I don't want to be with another guy, how can I be when my heart belongs to him - to Jay? I told him, "Please try and control your temper...please try and stifle your jealousy...please at least try and believe in me...please stop this continuous onslaught, or it'll destroy everything..."
And so it has.
I just want to give up. This is Craig, all over again. I only just survived that - how can I survive this? How can I close the door upon the rest of the world and carry on the terrible struggle alone? Every dream I've ever had seems so far away I don't know how I'll ever find my way back again. University, acting, marriage, motherhood... everything. I know how this will happen. Every day I'll leave the flat and act like everything's okay, like I'm having the time of my life at uni and like there's nothing else I wish for or anywhere else I'd rather be. How do I know this will happen? Because I've done it before. Call it pride, dignity, what you will. And then - at night - when I'm alone - when it's that horrific time for memories to crowd back in - I'll have to face the battle alone. The deluge will rain down on me, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to stop it. Then in the morning, I'll rise and go out into the world again, only to dread the coming home again at night...after Craig, the time passed in one long black void. Looking back, I can't remember what life was like. I existed and that was all. Now I'm facing it again.
*cries* Oh God, it's supposed to be my birthday this weekend...I'm supposed to be celebrating 20 years of my life...how can I celebrate it when all I want to do is cancel it out?
posted by SaMxXx at Monday, January 16, 2006
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