The Shaw-sam Redemption

I'm starting to feel like I've been set free after all these months! So many things have happened it's hard to get a grasp of them all, but I'll set out what I can here so you can get an idea.

Firstly, things between Jay and I have ended. We had a row (surprise, surprise) and his literal words were for me to "f**k off". Which I did. During the 10 days or so afterwards during which we didn't speak, I did a lot of thinking, which was also sped along by the fact that for some reason I felt much more peaceful and like someone had lifted a bell jar under which I'd been trapped. I couldn't figure out why, until I realised that it was because I didn't need to worry about explaining my doings and whereabouts to Jay. Things had been bad between us for a long time, but it took me 10 days of being apart from him to realise just how bad they were and how I'd been trying to delude myself for months - and succeeding, I must add.

We started talking again, by which time I'd already made up my mind - the lies and the games and the empty promises had to stop once and for all. It didn't matter whose fault it was anymore; it was all beyond that now. So I told him on msn that everything was over, and the reaction that I had predicted erupted. I followed it up a few days later with an email, outlining my reasons and telling him in straightforward terms that everything was over between us.

Also in this email, I told him of another development in my life...that of my new boyfriend, Rich. At first it sounds awful, as if my affections are somewhat fickle to be transferred from one man to another...but what I and other people must bear in mind is that I'd been putting all my energies into a situation/"relationship" that had already gone so far wrong that it was never going to be right again, and even then most of that energy was being used to convince myself that things were fine - or at least, going to be fine.

The circumstances of how Rich and I met are somewhat interesting. On skype I'd been added to a group chat by some random Albanian guy while I was asleep, and when I woke up and checked my computer, the chat was already in full swing. Somewhat intrigued, I joined in and got chatting to the nicest bunch of people from South Africa. One of the girls, Mandy, is an absolute sweetheart and we get along like a house on fire. She brought Rich into the chat about an hour later with the comment, "This is Rich, he's a really cool guy." Mandy made some comment about how he lived in the UK too, and how he and I should meet up and go on a date, so we were all mucking about and laughing about it. Then, after the group chat had ended and Rich and I got a chance to properly chat ourselves, the suggestion fast started turning into possibility...

He and I had a few chats - one lasting SEVEN HOURS - and soon we both realised how much we liked each other. A few days later (a Sunday) he drove the 140-odd miles from his home to mine to meet me for the first time. And the rest, as they say, is history....

We've already done the whole "meeting the parents" thing (he lives with his, so I met them when I went to stay with him during my Reading Week, and the following weekend I went home with him in tow); he absolutely spoilt me for Valentine's Day (roses, chocolates, champagne, candles and gifts), and it's a beautiful realisation that I'm being romanced, and that he cares for me enough to want to romance me. Too many guys seem to be afraid of being romantic or "soppy" towards their girlfriends because they think it detracts from their masculinity, but with Rich he's gentle and protective, very much a port in the storm of this life of mine. He's met Gez, who thinks he's great, although I think Gez scared Rich a bit in their first meeting (he's got bright red hair at the moment and was slightly more than his usual zany self *lol*); however, they do have a mutual liking, so that's definitely a good omen.

Rich knows all about the "Jay Situation", and has taken it all very well. His only real concern has been for my welfare, as he's been worried it might still be getting me down. I do sometimes think of Jay - you can't just scrub out over 4 years of friendship from your memory -, and wonder how he's getting on, but it's purely a friendly interest. Maybe one day we'll be friends again, but for now, we're living separate lives, and I think it's ensuring the happiness of both of us.

Life is fast turning from a bitter-sweet symphony into the new sweetness of starting over again.

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me...."

xXx

(Posted @ 04.07 GMT Tues 28/02/06)