Going To Hell In A Handcart
I wrote this around Christmas but never got around to posting it...a lot of things have happened since then, but I'm going to post this anyway. (Posted 5/01/06 @ 1.36pm GMT)
Hey, ever heard the one about the girl who was a mistress 3 times between her 16th and 17th birthdays? Well guess what - you're talking to her!!
I feel terrible at the moment. Actually, "terrible" doesn't quite cover it. "Evil", "poisonous", "disgrace to Womankind", etc probably sum it up better. You're probably thinking, "Whoa! Mistress? Aged 16? What a ho!" And guess what, you've probably got it about right...
My first "shot", if you like, was 28 and separated from his wife. My second was 30, also separated, in the RAF, with a 2-year-old son, who I loved to bits and still miss even today, nearly 4 years on (the son that is, not the dad). My third was a soldier who was engaged. So there we have it, children, judge on as you will and as is humanity's wont.
I don't claim to be an innocent in all of the above situations, defiled by Man's wicked desires...hell, I probably brought most of it on myself. After I got off (or for my American fans, "made out") with a friend's boyfriend (damn me to Hell forever. Just do it now and save a whole lot of aggro), I swore I would never do it again. I guess everybody's done that kind of thing once - I mean, hey, in my defence, we were still at school and hormones were raging. But I couldn't live with the guilt afterwards, so I knew - for my own peace of mind, if no-one else's - that I would never do anything like that again. O, the best laid plans o' mice and men...
So then I got into the whole mistress situation. That was the weirdest thing in the world when I was with Chris (the second guy) and realised that I was technically committing adultery. It was almost easier, because I didn't know his wife and knew they were separated. I met her once when Chris and I took their little boy out for the day - now THAT was seriously weird. So once I found myself single again, I vowed I would never, NEVER get myself into that kind of situation. And until now, I've succeeded. I was with my last boyfriend, Craig, for 19 months; we split in February '05, and, apart from a couple of no-go dates, I've been footloose and fancy-free.
But now I covet someone else's boyfriend. I love someone else's boyfriend. I've tried to fight it, God knows! But she knows, and so does he, and he says he loves both of us. Gez came out with a beautiful pearl of wisdom the other day: "If a man loves 2 women, he shouldn't be with either of them." It's the oddest set-up in the world, and definitely worthy of one of my plays. Actually, scratch that...I don't think even my imagination could come up with a situation like this. The more I think/write about it, the more I despise myself. As so beautifully put by someone who shall remain anonymous, "Why can't you get your own guy and leave off someone else's?" Why, indeed.
The thing that makes it a million times worse is the fact that even though "She" knows, She's still as gentle and noble as ever. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara to her Melanie Wilkes. The potential for inter-continental cat-fighting is incredible, and yet it's never come to pass. I'm trying to do everything I can not to hurt Her, trying to tread so carefully, and trying to come to terms with what's passed so I can make some sense of everything that's happening, to understand how She and I have both come to love the same man.
The oddest thing is that I don't have a sense of rivalry with Her. It's like She and I are standing, one on each shore, gazing across the ocean at each other, and there's no anger, no malice, no hatred in those gazes. Our eyes are clear and calm, and there's nothing, save maybe a little sadness, and the strange beauty of calm when two women love one man, and know it, and know each other, and can reach out hands in earnestness and say, "May the best woman win. May the best woman win his love."
So there we have it. Going to Hell in a handcart. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. Just get the hell down there and don't expect any stops at Little Chef on the way.
***
Hey, ever heard the one about the girl who was a mistress 3 times between her 16th and 17th birthdays? Well guess what - you're talking to her!!
I feel terrible at the moment. Actually, "terrible" doesn't quite cover it. "Evil", "poisonous", "disgrace to Womankind", etc probably sum it up better. You're probably thinking, "Whoa! Mistress? Aged 16? What a ho!" And guess what, you've probably got it about right...
My first "shot", if you like, was 28 and separated from his wife. My second was 30, also separated, in the RAF, with a 2-year-old son, who I loved to bits and still miss even today, nearly 4 years on (the son that is, not the dad). My third was a soldier who was engaged. So there we have it, children, judge on as you will and as is humanity's wont.
I don't claim to be an innocent in all of the above situations, defiled by Man's wicked desires...hell, I probably brought most of it on myself. After I got off (or for my American fans, "made out") with a friend's boyfriend (damn me to Hell forever. Just do it now and save a whole lot of aggro), I swore I would never do it again. I guess everybody's done that kind of thing once - I mean, hey, in my defence, we were still at school and hormones were raging. But I couldn't live with the guilt afterwards, so I knew - for my own peace of mind, if no-one else's - that I would never do anything like that again. O, the best laid plans o' mice and men...
So then I got into the whole mistress situation. That was the weirdest thing in the world when I was with Chris (the second guy) and realised that I was technically committing adultery. It was almost easier, because I didn't know his wife and knew they were separated. I met her once when Chris and I took their little boy out for the day - now THAT was seriously weird. So once I found myself single again, I vowed I would never, NEVER get myself into that kind of situation. And until now, I've succeeded. I was with my last boyfriend, Craig, for 19 months; we split in February '05, and, apart from a couple of no-go dates, I've been footloose and fancy-free.
But now I covet someone else's boyfriend. I love someone else's boyfriend. I've tried to fight it, God knows! But she knows, and so does he, and he says he loves both of us. Gez came out with a beautiful pearl of wisdom the other day: "If a man loves 2 women, he shouldn't be with either of them." It's the oddest set-up in the world, and definitely worthy of one of my plays. Actually, scratch that...I don't think even my imagination could come up with a situation like this. The more I think/write about it, the more I despise myself. As so beautifully put by someone who shall remain anonymous, "Why can't you get your own guy and leave off someone else's?" Why, indeed.
The thing that makes it a million times worse is the fact that even though "She" knows, She's still as gentle and noble as ever. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara to her Melanie Wilkes. The potential for inter-continental cat-fighting is incredible, and yet it's never come to pass. I'm trying to do everything I can not to hurt Her, trying to tread so carefully, and trying to come to terms with what's passed so I can make some sense of everything that's happening, to understand how She and I have both come to love the same man.
The oddest thing is that I don't have a sense of rivalry with Her. It's like She and I are standing, one on each shore, gazing across the ocean at each other, and there's no anger, no malice, no hatred in those gazes. Our eyes are clear and calm, and there's nothing, save maybe a little sadness, and the strange beauty of calm when two women love one man, and know it, and know each other, and can reach out hands in earnestness and say, "May the best woman win. May the best woman win his love."
So there we have it. Going to Hell in a handcart. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. Just get the hell down there and don't expect any stops at Little Chef on the way.
posted by SaMxXx at Tuesday, December 27, 2005
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