My Little Bit of Therapy

I sit here writing this at my desk and think of how writing has carried such an influence in my life. I've written stories as gifts for other people, I've written exam papers and essays that have carried me on to the next level in my education, I write a diary, I write this....and I write plays.

My plays are my little bit of therapy. I wonder if people will ever look at them and see the turmoil and pain their author was in at times whilst she was creating them. I wonder if they'll ever be read, and if glimpses of me will be seen through the characters. I wonder if people will see them and wonder if they're seeing themselves up on that stage.

And, of course, I wonder if they'll ever be read or performed at all.

"There's a totality to it that's almost like rape", as Stephen King so beautifully expressed it in The Green Mile, and I wholeheartedly agree. There is. To write something like a play is to express a little part of yourself, to give the world a little glimpse inside your mind, no matter how wacky or straightforward the finished product might be.

So in these troubled times of mine, writing is my comfort and my solace. I can express feelings, ideas and opinions, and no one can ever really tell what's mine and what's coming out of the mouth of the character as a small matter of my imagination.

When Angels Deserve To Die is the one that's receiving my attentions at the moment. Sara's journey through the perils of her mind, her reliance on others to keep her alive and her distress and terror at being deserted by those who promised to stick by her are all events I can relate to, because they've happened to me. But how can I relate to someone who isn't even alive except on the page, someone that I've created? Because she and I are intertwined. Because what Sara undergoes is the same as I have. Maybe I want the world to know, maybe that's why I wrote my experiences into the pages. Maybe I don't; maybe it's just because I believe that I have a talent, and that the best way to demonstrate that talent is by using material already in my mind.

In Angels..., Sara comments that when her letter is finished, it'll be "time for her to go". When I can no longer write; when the flow of ideas has dried up and there's nothing left but a blank page, I'll know it's my time, too.

Tales of a Little Insomniac....

Hi Everybody,

Insomnia has once again set in like a bad dream (pardon the pun), with last night being one of the worst yet. Can't sleep, when I do it's only for literally minutes at a time, every slight noise makes me jolt out of semi-consciousness....I managed to get about 2 hours after a phone call from Ian this morning, and then another two earlier tonight, which was a bit of a fatal mistake as I know it now means I won't sleep tonight until just before dawn (a lesson learnt from experience!). Dammit.

HMS President with Caron on Sunday was, without a doubt, one of the most fantastic experiences I've had. I danced my first Double Trouble (where a guy dances with 2 girls at the same time) and was doing dips, drops and leans like a pro! The feeling was incredible; there's me, a relatively new Cerocer of a couple of months, swirling around the dancefloor, bending and swaying inches from the floor, moulded like clay under the hands of one of the more experienced dancers....the rush was so heady, so incredible - the only thing I can compare it to is the curtain call after a show! There's another one in July, which I'm definitely going to, and I'm back down in London again this Saturday for another Freestyle event with Caron. =o)

I don't think I'm ever really destined for peace of mind. It seems to me that I don't realize how good I've had it until I find myself in a new imbroglio, and then I wish for what used to be. Once again I'm back in that place where I can't think too much, because if I do it leaves me in tears; once again I hold my breath in anticipation of what could be, and let it out in a sigh when it never comes to pass.

I don't think I'm destined to grow old. I've got the feeling I'll do a Sylvia Plath or Sarah Kane. (If you don't know who they are, go look them up - I can't be bothered to keep explaining it!) I don't really know how Plath could kill herself when she had 2 children, 2 little children, who were sleeping upstairs at the time. On the other hand, I know the depths of despair she must have reached - failed relationship, that awful suffocating feeling that your career is going to come to nothing....it's a kind of higher though horrific justice that her husband received because of what he did (okay, I'll explain - Plath was married to Ted Hughes, later Poet Laureate; he had affairs left, right and centre, and she found out - hence the failed relationship. She killed herself by putting her head in a gas oven; Hughes' lover committed a copycat suicide a few months later, taking the child she had by him with her). Oh well. At least if I stick my head in a gas oven at the age of 30-odd I can console myself with the thought that I'm doing it because I'm a tortured genius. *lol*

Time to go and have a shower, then return to working on one of my plays - talent brings its own rewards!

(Posted @ 1.07 am GMT Wednesday 21/06/06)

It's The Little Things in Life

Well, as far as my previous post goes, that's the first time I've written a blog and had a comment longer than the post itself! =oP

Went home for a few days on Monday and came back yesterday (Wednesday); was more glad to be back in Birmingham than I was to be at home! Was a bit of a fool and left my phone in the taxi when I got back to my halls; luckily one of the other mentors was around, so she kept ringing it from her phone until the driver picked it up and then brought it back! *faith in human race slightly restored*

Going dancing with Ian today - can't believe it's been 2 whole weeks since we were whirling around the dancefloor together! He learned a lot of new moves while he was away in Spain last week, so he'll be teaching them to me later....hooray! Caron and I are going to a Ceroc tea dance on the banks of the Thames on Sunday - I think it's safe to say I'm an offical Ceroc convert. But with people like Caron and Ian around, who can blame me? =o)

Best try and get some sleep before the sun rises....I'm like a child again!


(Posted Thursday 15/06/06 @ 02.50am)

Answer Me This....

As females, we stand strong and firm in the outward semblance of womanly dignity; as young women, we seem strong and able to cope with anything the world can throw at us. We hold our heads high, and to all intents and purposes we are already adult females.

Why is it that sooner or later a man comes into Life who sees past the charade, looks past the veneer of womanhood and sees the little girl beneath? A man who sees past the illusion of strength and everything a woman should be, and into the hopes and fears that lie beneath....?


(Posted @ 16.34 GMT Saturday 10/06/06)

Whew, What A Way I've Come!

Good Morning All!

Reading back over my last post and realizing what a long way I've come in the last 2 months....

I've now been off the anti-depressants for about 6-7 weeks - no one told me to, I just took myself off them. I'm doing okay so far! I think the fact that I'm now getting out and about more is also a big help.

On Thursday I had my 7th Ceroc session, and it just seems to get better and better every time I go! For the uninitiated, Ceroc is a "stylish form of Modern Jive which is a fusion of Salsa and Jive that is easy and fun to learn." (www.ceroc.com) Hell yes! =o)

It's fantastic, it really is. When I first started going with Caron, I just used to sit and watch the classes and then join in the Freestyle. Now I've bought a pair of specialist dance shoes and hate having to sit and watch, esp. when everybody else is dancing! The best bit is that when you start going regularly, you get to know people and get to know who you dance well with and who you don't. There's one old guy I danced with and he didn't shut up the whole dance about how I was holding my hands wrong and spinning too quickly and not letting him lead etc etc...people like that you learn to steer clear of, because all they do is knock your confidence! There's one guy I dance with every week, Ian, and he's a dream because he's not afraid to try out new moves and teach them to me; he makes me laugh the whole way through; he dances divinely; and we get along like a house on fire! It's people like him who make it so much fun. You're meeting new people and learning something new....what better way to spend an evening? =o)

Both Ian and Caron have said that I'm good enough to move up to the Intermediate class (waaaagh!), so when Ian gets back from Spain (getting Ceroc lessons while he's on holiday - I'm soooooo jealous!) the week after next, I'll be joining him with the Intermediates. OOooooooooh! *lol*

Caron's on a Ceroc weekend with Dean (another sweetie who I enjoy dancing with) and Dave, and I'll be joining them on the next one in September - can't wait! =o)

Here's hoping things carry on this way!

xXx

(Posted Saturday 3/06/2006 @ 4.36am GMT)

Fingertip Living

Well Peeps, you can bring on the good news any time now. That's any time now. Like NOW.

In the last couple of weeks, my boyfriend's left me, a best friend's left me, I've got a letter from my Head of Dept basically asking me why the hell I bother turning up for uni, and on the news all I'm hearing is murders and famines and global warming and war and more killing. Then to top it all I get told to stop thinking about the bad things in Life and look forward to the positive things that "could" happen in the future.

Let's get a few things straight here.

Depression is NOT something you can just snap out of - believe me, if it were that easy I'd have done it a long time ago.

"The word 'depression' is used to describe everyday feelings of low mood which can affect us all from time to time. Feeling sad or fed up is a normal reaction to experiences that are upsetting, stressful or difficult; those feelings will usually pass. If you are affected by depression, you are not 'just' sad or upset. You have an illness which means that intense feelings of persistent sadness, helplessness and hopelessness are accompanied by physical effects such as sleeplessness, a loss of energy, or physical aches and pains." (courtsesy of www.depressionalliance.org)

DON'T tell me to think positively. I try to think positively, but it's a bit difficult when 90% of your mind is screaming that A) the whole world is against you and B) what's the point of thinking positively when the world's so full of s**t anyway?

DON'T tell me it's my fault. I blame myself enough as it is, without the actions of other people being attributed to me.

DON'T tell me I'm being beaten by depression. This is not constructive and does NOT encourage me in the healing process whatsoever. DO NOT EVER tell me "I had depression but I got over it - so should you." Whoop de f**king doo - you got over it. I'm still trying to. And if you had depression, you should understand what I'm going through - not f**king lecture me on it.

DON'T come anywhere near me or offer your friendship if you can't accept the fact I have depression. I need understanding, patience, hugs, encouragement and phone calls for no apparent reason at all - not because the TV's crap or your plans have fallen through. I may not be the most fantastic person in the world but I'm worth a hell of a lot more than that. In fact, I have the same friendship requirements as any other human being on the planet.

Everybody suffers from depression at some point in their lives, and I appreciate, accept and understand this. But I have suffered from it continuously for years - officially 5, unofficially 8. Imagine the worst you've ever felt in your life before, and imagine feeling like that day in, day out for weeks and months at a stretch. Not just every now and then, but always. Then you get an idea of what it's like to be a depressive.

Until you've got the certificate from the doctor to say you've had chronic or manic dperession and gotten over it, or you're actually going through it, then you've earned the right to offer me advice about it. I'm furiously angry about the lack of information available to the public about depression, and how yet people seem to all be world experts on it.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE IT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT THERE.


(Posted Mon 03/04/06 @ 22.57 GMT)

First Short Blog!

I've been officially told off by Rich for writing long blogs, and for apparently revealing too much of my feelings to the vulgar gaze of the General Public....*lol* Well, this is me! Actually, having said that, this post is only going to be a short one....

Only a couple of weeks to go until the Easter vacation - w00t! 4 weeks off....time for a bit of a rest and (hopefully) some semblance of normality. Got a couple of killer essays to do, but nothing beyond the impossible!

Rich came to stay for a couple of days, absolute bliss, miss him like crazy now he's gone home again...but with only a couple of weeks to go until Easter, I'm looking forward to being able to go and stay with him for an extended visit! There's a big theatre event at his uni that I'd like to attend, and it's the weekend that my term ends, so double bonus!

Right, early in the morning as it is, I've got the craziest craving for lamb chops, so I'm going to go raid the freezer....*lol*

Hugs to all!

xXx

(Posted Thursday 9/03/06 @ 04.30 GMT)